I have plenty of regrets. There are so many things I want to change, so many things I wish I had done, and things I wish I had never done. I wonder what my life would be like, if I had done thing differently, if certain people were still in my life, and if certain people never walked by and said hello.

My biggest regret? My biggest regret is taking my life with my Dad for granted. What’s worse? I’m scared that I’m doing the same thing with my Mom.

My biggest regret leads me to all the smaller ones. I regret that I quit playing basketball. I regret that I never kept in touch with the greatest friends I’ve ever had in my life. I regret that I let those friends go because they reminded me too much of the good life I had with my dad. I regret getting mad at my Mom and Iza. I regret hurting them. I regret that I always took the easy way out in high school. I regret not doing my best. I regret lying to everyone so that they would just get off my back. I regret, not doing my best to remember him. I think that maybe I don’t remember his voice, or his laugh because I never listened to him enough.

Which leads me to my problem now. I don’t remember. I know he was at my basketball games, and I know he would pick us up from school. I know he’d bring us lunch sometimes. I know he called me An-An or Ate, but I can’t hear him say it anymore. I don’t remember anything and I wish I could because now, the gap he left just feels even bigger.

I don’t remember how much taller he was. I don’t remember how he used to smell. I tried smelling his clothes once, but it just smelled like old clothes. Why didn’t I smell it when the scent was still there? I know he was a funny guy, but I can’t remember his laugh, or times when he made me life.

Everyone says that it gets easier every year. It’ not true, it gets harder. It gets harder to remember, and harder to feel.

Every time I laugh, or make a joke, they always say, I’m just like my dad. In my mind, I just want them to video tape, and let me hear the part where I sound like him, because maybe I’ll remember. Why can everyone see him in me, but when I look in the mirror, I don’t see him?

I wish I could remember how he used to hug me so that when I cry for him and I’m alone, I could pretend he was here hugging me. Like right now, I really wish he was here.

Open your eyes
Love, please look inside
Turn away from the heartbreak
Let those brown eyes find mine
I’ll show you what I see
A woman born to define beauty
Not the broken hearted reflection
You seem to see

Breathe
Love, breathe your pain into me
I see no broken hearted reflection
But a heart falling slowly

-Anne Santos

“Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Dagney? That’s your name? Tremendous name. My name’s Jimmy and I have just one single impulsive question. Are you in love?
Dagney: What?
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: At the present time, are you in love?
Dagney: Why?
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Because if you are, then I won’t waste your time. I’m really not the type of man to impede another man’s happiness. However, if you’re not presently in love then I will continue my rhapsody, because if I may say so, Dagney, you are most definitely the bees’ knees.
Dagney: Does this rap ever work?
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Alas, in the old days. Now I rarely get a chance to try it. But you haven’t answered my question.
Dagney: I forgot it.
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Are you in love?
Dagney: Well there is someone…
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: But?
Dagney: We date… I have memorized his phone number, but I won’t use his toothbrush… We’re somewhere in between and he’s crazy about me.
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: As he should be. You glide.
Dagney: I glide?
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: You glide. It’s a very attactive quality. Most girls, they merely plod along. You, on the other hand, you glide… Tell me about it. What’s his name? Chip?
Dagney: Alex…
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Same thing. Does he make you thump?
Dagney: Define “thump”.
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Thump. When you think about him, you can’t eat You can’t sleep. You forget about man’s inhumanity to man. Does he do that for you?
Dagney: That’s a ridiculous concept. No one can do that.
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Girls who glide need guys who make them thump. Have dinner with me.
Dagney: Aren’t we the sultan of segue?
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: It’s a beautiful month. Just have dinner with me.
Dagney: Are you going to make me thump?
Jimmy ‘The Saint’ Tosnia: Or die trying.”

Now that’s what i call beautiful. Everytime i see this movie, i just want to forget about the world, and fall into mine finally. maybe kick The Man with the Plan’s ass, give Easy Wind the summer he’s been waiting for, knock Critical Bill around a little, and make love to the breathtakingly beautiful D’agne, oh and kiss her upside down on he couch. If you have not seen this movie, PLEASE, please watch it.

The best part about this movie, the best part about watching this movie for me, is that it helps me realize that even in the ugliest surroundings, under the darkest life, love exists. Just like Jimmy the Saint said, I’m just a girl with a fork and some soup, i gotta find my spoon. For those who know me, you’ll know why that realization is so crazy. I gotta find the girl who glides and make her thump. And to all those people or moments that want to get in the way? GIVE IT A FUCKIN NAME! lol

After feeling all of that, after getting all romantic all my myself lol, i decided to watch Don Juan DeMarco. Another incredible film about love, just doesn’t have as much violence and cursing as Things To Do…

I love that movie, and again if you haven’t seen it, you gotta watch it. I love it when they say:

“Every woman is a mystery to be solved, but a woman hides nothing from a true lover. Her skin color can tell us how to proceed. A hue like the blush of a rose, pink and pale, and she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. The pale and dappled skin of a redhead calls for the lust of a wave crashing to the shore so we may stir up what lies beneath her and bring up the foamy delight of love to the surface. Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman, the closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder…does a Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist when he coaxes a single perfect note from its heart?”

Dude, how perfect is that? He says it so perfectly, the words that i want to express, just shoot out of this dudes mouth.

Watch these movies, feel the emotions that paint the writer’s page, and learn that THAT is how you love someone. I hate watching these movies where women are “bitches” or men are “pimps”. What the hell is that? You can still be a fuckin bad ass, and at  the same time respect the one who shares her body and love with you. Take it from Jimmy Saint, always remember, whoever she is, if she’s with you, she’s always a 10.

watch the movies

The smaller this room gets, the better I feel
The closer our people get, the more it feels like a steal
Cause this kind of love is free
If you want some, baby all you gotta do is smile at me

What’s  the big deal if I love him or her?
What’s so wrong with feeling this good about being together?
It’s all about being happy right?
Sometimes I think being blind is better than having clear sight
I don’t judge you
But it seems judgment fills your mind

Just grab their hand
Don’t worry about their color or the way they stand?
They’re still your brother or sister
We have a right to love the person who makes us laugh
Just listen, don’t try and figure out if it’s a woman or a man
See, baby don’t you feel better

All this love is free
If you want some, baby all you gotta do is smile at me
Cause I have no problem smiling at you
And I’ll fight my hardest to stand up for you
Cause really this world is all about love
It’s about making sure people have enough
It’s not about taking from them
Especially if they don’t have much, don’t you understand
Some of us only have our hearts
And we all work hard just to try and start
So that when we reach the end
Just maybe
We’ll see all those people smiling and holding hands

So  brother and sister, I’m telling you now
The love I give to you is free
All I ask for in return
Is for you to smile at me”

-Anne Santos

But really, I want to write, because I realized that ever since I moved out here, to Los Angeles, I don’t talk as much. I don’t talk because there really isn’t too many people I feel comfortable talking freely to. Back home, in Sactown, there was always someone I could go to and chill with. If I was bored during the weekdays, I’d just hit up Jackie or Drew and maybe go over their place, or maybe Gamay and Uncle wanted to gamble so Butch and Tina and JR would all be there too, or I could watch a movie with my mom and sister, or I could sit on our outdoor swing with Choco and Dori and talk to them lol. There was always something, like going over Mix’s house and sitting around hoping someone else would want to make a spoof on a commercial so that we could make fools out of ourselves. There was always someone, someplace, some event to go to, where I would feel comfortable enough to be myself. Oh, and I cannot forget those, Sundays, or Mondays, or Tuesdays, or Wednesdays lol, with Simon and the lovely ladies of Heaven. You see what I’m talking about?

Now, I work, I come back to the apartment, maybe I’ll go to a club, maybe I’ll chill with the dudes and write, but I never really talk. What kinda sucks is that, I don’t think the people out here really know the real me. They don’t know the Anne who sings karaoke incredibly loud and badly, or the Anne who can talk about anything and everything, or the Anne who gambles just to hang out with some good people, or the Anne, who will read a poem to anyone who will listen, and anyone I trust. No one knows that I will make a fool out of myself to make someone laugh, or that I actually cry every time I read the Notebook. Well now people know, but they’ve never seen it happen. Back home? Dude everyone’s heard me sing, and everyone saw mine and Arnold’s rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart where we ended up on the floor.

It feels like, leaving home really meant I left a big piece of me. It kinda sucks that I’m the quiet or shy girl around here, who everyone once in a while makes someone laugh. That’s not me! I feel like I’ve changed a little too much in the past couple of years. I went from a romantic to someone who couldn’t be with one person for more than a couple days, and then I went from this outgoing, goofy girl, to someone who is a little too shy and reserved. NO MORE!!!

Screw it dude! Hahaha it is time for the City of Angels to say hello and maybe Fuck you to Anne. The real Anne. The Anne I was before I lost my world. I’m pretty sure my dad’s been up there asking himself what happened to me. I gave up everything when he died, and now that I can say it, I think it’s safe to take the pieces I tore off and make a quilt with a little old and a little new.

Mom and Iza…no more sadness or anger I promise…Dad…basketball is back again…Jackie lol…no more playing games with the same sex…Simon…gotta keep our trips to heaven lol…Arnold…Im gonna blog with you man I read yours and you read mine…and to the people I work with or who works on me lol…im stepping it up, at least a little lol.

I think it’s time to come back, time to feel life again cause I think I lost the world for a little while. Let’s go make some beautiful people smile!